Cogito, Ergo Doleo

[jedispyder]

So I guess I never created a thread for "my life" on this site. Had a mind fart and forgot that we had moved and started to think I was making even more shit up in my mind and forcing myself to believe it's true, lol.

So I guess I'll just do a summary of some recent things? Dunno, not too much to talk about. Well, I can always talk but I'm one of those people who can talk and talk and talk about nothing at all.

So I am moving into what was my Grandma's house. My brother is currently renovating it with new paint and carpet (plus removing most of the other things). It took me awhile to get the final decision but luckily I found a roommate in the form of good ole Cap'n Jack. He's gonna take the downstairs rooms while I get uber-cool but also sorta smaller upstairs. And they're colored pumpkin! So awesome, makes me happy seeing that. I'm shooting for a move-in date around the beginning of the month depending on how much work my brother gets done.

I'm also taking what's hopefully the last course I need to graduate, General Chemistry II. And then, after spending 7 years in college, I totally don't want to go into that field. YAYERS!!!

Another interesting development I don't know what to do with is I went on a coffee-"date" with someone. She's my mom's co-worker's daughter, they've been trying to hook us up forever. I ignored them for the longest time but mid-December she gave my mom cookies to bring to me, which of course forces me to write her an email. We talked for a couple weeks and I slowly was getting uninterested in her but finally agreed to a coffee meet-up. It was New Years Day and boy did it go crappy for me, lol! We met at Barnes & Noble and just walked around and talked for like 3 hours. I wanted to leave 30 minutes into it =o/ She's just not that interesting, the conversation was kinda dull and she didn't bring much to the table (conversation wise). I also did not like it when she started talking about books she'd read...but then stated how she didn't actually finish most of them. That's a BIG turn-off for me if you don't finish reading. It means you don't always finish what you start. She was also a negative nancy, always talking down about herself and such (she did have some reasons, but the amount I post down about myself I didn't bring it to the table when meeting someone, I'm not that stupid). I feel bad for myself but at least I gave it a try. She emailed me a "thank you" type email the next day but I never responded to it (I felt it wasn't obligatory since she didn't ask any questions...or at least I keep telling myself that). She hasn't emailed me since then but my mom said she's been wondering about me. I really don't want this to go anywhere but I feel bad for not emailing. I fear that if I do email her first she'll get hope, and that's the last thing I want to give her. When I think about the conversations we've had they weren't really all that great, as in I didn't get excited reading them very much.

I also realized my Fight or Flight Response is most definitely Flight. I almost ran into my ex-roommate yesterday while leaving a restaurant, she was opening the door for her sister/dad so I saw them and ran like fucking hell in the opposite direction, straight into the bathroom. Scared the shit outa me! It's funny, almost 4 years have passed but I still can't forget about her. Ironically enough, she was in my dream yesterday and she forgave me for how I ended things, which made me so happy...until I almost ran into her, that is. I talked to a co-worker/friend about it and she asked if I could do the night over whether I'd talk to her or not...and I definitely would not have. Weird, I want nothing more than get back with her but am deathly afraid to talk to her face-to-face.

Think about it now, I'm wondering if the type of girl I need is someone that is the opposite of me, someone very outgoing that forces me into situations I don't normally do. That's what my ex-roommate was. The girl I met for a coffee-"date" was most definitely not that, she was too like me.

[jedispyder]

So not much new. Having fun with General Chemistry II with less than 2 weeks left. Then I actually get to graduate after 7.5 years in college, lol.

I'm most moved out. My bed is in the house so I'm living there, but I still had a lot of other things at mom's place. Bit by bit I'll get it out...

[jedispyder]

Dan's cat has a really fucking weird personality. Whenever I come in he looks at me like he's thinking "who the fuck are you?" He'll come up to me to pet him, and when I reach down to pet him, he'll get skittish and shy away as if he's thinking "what the hell are you trying to do to me?" He'll come up to my landing, "stealthily" look into my room, and just stare at me. He'll come in but never actually come to me. Very weird, lol. You'd think he'd be used to me now, you know?

[Mr Wallstreet]

Be wary of the cat. He is most likely casing your place and waiting for the opportune time to sneak in and kill you.

As for your other dilema about your coffee-date, you never told us what she looked like? Was she tall, short, thin, plump, attractive, butterface, ugly? Details man!

Lastly, since you're finally graduating, what did you major in?

[jedispyder]

I swear he's a Devil Cat, just biding his time to kill me and have the place all to himself and turn Cap'n Jack into his slave...

The coffee date...didn't go well. I don't mind that she wasn't endowed in the looks department, but for me it was the personality department that turned me off. She seemed overly negative all the time about herself and stuff. I haven't heard from her since.

And I'm graduating with a degree in Information Technology with a main focus in web development and minor focus in digital media. Yet I don't want to go into that field, lol. Maybe if I can find the right place, but for now (especially in this type of economy) I'm safe where I am. I do want to go get a degree in Culinary Arts, Cap'n Jack also wants me to so he not only can eat the stuff I bring home but we might be able to bum rides off each other to school, lol.

[jedispyder]

My rooms are finally shaping up...kind of. I put up blackout blinds over both windows. I'm still unpacking boxes of books, but that's gonna happen for awhile, lol. I bought something I never bought before: a laundry basket! Seriously, I think this is going to be better looking than just having my clothes piled in the corner, lol. I still have to move my computer onto my new (small as hell) computer desk/cart. I partially don't want to do that because I love having...shit, I just had a great idea! Instead of my moving my computer into the other room...just keep it in this room. I want to use it more in my bedroom than my little living room (huh, never considered each of my rooms different). GENIUS! I'm supposed to eventually get a digital camera that my stepdad doesn't use, may post pics when that happens.

[jedispyder]

Haven't posted anything in awhile here (then again it doesn't get as many hits as the other About Mes here, so that's partially why). Work just fucked up, basically. They had to fire a dayshift supervisor which created an open spot there. My boss offered it to either me or my co-supervisor, allowing us to escape nightshift. My co-supervisor of course refused, in fact she's refused the last 3 times or so it was offered and that's how my brother was able to ditch nightshift and go to dayshift. I thought about it and told my boss that if the offer was still there I'd love to take it. My mind started sprouting off the fact that I could actually be like a normal 25 year old and have a social life. I've been on nightshift for 9 fucking years, lol! I could try to get friends I could do stuff with, I'd be able to spend time with Cap'n Jack instead of the "I come home and he's already asleep or he comes home and I'm leaving for work or times with my family" that's been going on. I was getting uber excited!

Then the bombshell dropped. My boss's boss, aka the Big Boss, said he didn't think it would be a good idea because I'd be working directly with my brother. My boss is still going to try to convince him otherwise, but sounds like he's made up his mind. So I'm fucked. Forced to stay on dayshift. My brother talked to our boss about it, saying it's stupid to pass me up since I'm graduating (9 days, in fact) and them saying no to this could lead to needing 2 and not 1 supervisor. She agrees and thinks it's stupid, which is probably why she is going to try again. Evidently, Big Boss was even weary of promoting me to Supervisor in the first place 3 years ago because I'd be interacting more with my brother. You'd think since there hasn't been any problems in the past 3 years that I've been a supervisor working with my brother (albeit not directly) then there'd be no problem now. In fact, we'd probably synergize even more than most supervisor duos.

Fuck, and I really wanted to think about dating.

[jedispyder]

Well, I'm guessing by now I'm a graduate. I didn't care enough to go to Commencement, UC fucked me over too much and I'm just happy to be gone. I figure if I had gone to it, my name would have already been called.

[jedispyder]

Nothing much has gone on. In sort of a funk from time to time. There's no reason to be, so I'm guessing it's the usual depression. Some days I just don't want to go home and instead drive and think about the past, even though I know I shouldn't. For me there's still a lot of unfinished business between my ex-roommate and me where I didn't describe what happened 4 years ago to make me run away. Her sister actually added me on Facebook out the blue and I was weary to accept, but gave it a chance and I'm glad. No grudge from her, in fact we have been able to mostly catch up. Found out my ex-roommate moved back in with her mom. I still want to contact her but know I shouldn't. Thinking of letting her sister know what happened and why I left (if I can even remember completely). She still is in my dreams from time to time, wish I could stop that. I really don't want those, lol. Well, that's a lie. I do want them, but know I shouldn't. I just want to go back to fucking normal from when I never met her. GAH! Maybe if I can make it right with her sister I'll feel somewhat better?

[jedispyder]

Fuck me, she was in my dreams AGAIN last night. I was at a restaurant (no place real) when she and her dad entered. We talked briefly and seemed everything was going ok. Then I went to a movie and quasi-invited them, not expecting them to come, yet they did come. I woke up at that point, but still. She invaded my dreams again and it really fucks me up...

[The French Biscuit]

Huzzah for being a graduate! Are you experiencing the "now what the hell do I do?" syndrome yet or do you have a plan?

Poo-pah about the dream messing with you. I've got mo advice for that I'm afraid, my dreams are usually just really weird. :?

[jedispyder]

Eh, I really don't enjoy what I got a degree in so I may not look into it. I'm at a steady job now with a possibility of eventually going to main office to work on computers, so that's always a possibility.

[jedispyder]

So I finally got my diploma in the mail. Only had to wait a month and a half for it, lol. I didn't trust UC to graduate me until I had that piece of paper in my hand, so now no worries.

I ended up with a 3.523 GPA. Took me 7 fucking years to get done with college, sooooo glad I'm out.

[The French Biscuit]

I'm at a steady job now with a possibility of eventually going to main office to work on computers, so that's always a possibility.

That's awesome! Too bad about the degree thing. I experienced that after I finished my Bachelor's in Archaeology. Degrees are just meant to look pretty on the wall anyway. ;)

[jedispyder]

Yep, one of my friends said that he hasn't looked at his diploma in over 20 years and has no clue what the college was named back them, lol.

[jedispyder]

I think for my birthday in 2 weeks I'm going to cook myself a nice Chicken Marsala dinner. Been awhile since I cooked it, I think so far I've only done it once a year? Either way, it's soooo yummy! Thinking of doing a special dessert as well, not sure of what though. Since Chicken Marsala is Italian, I'll probably go with an Italian dessert. Maybe some Tiramisu? Homemade gelato?

Last year for my birthday I saw the movie Julie and Julia, ate yummy pizza at dinner at Dewey's with Dad/Mom/Stepdad, then went out with Cap'n Jack and did Laser Tag, got drunk for the first time in 3 years, and played pool. This year? Not sure, lol.

[jedispyder]

I wish I could understand why I'm so fucking depressed. It's worse than usual, think the last time it was this bad was after I moved out of my ex-roommates 4 years ago. And my OCD with the horrific images is really fucking annoying, I don't want to imagine those types of things at all.

[The French Biscuit]

Forgive me if does not sound helpful, but have you considered seeking medical help about the OCD? I know enough about it to fill a thimble, so I have no practical advice to offer other than my concern for your well-being. :(

[jedispyder]

I've actually tried that before, and know I should try it again. I was with a psychiatrist for something like 4 years. We tried various medications for me but none worked at all. In fact, the one for OCD/ADD made me more apathetic than usual and screwed up with my creativity, it made me not want to do a lot of stuff and I haven't been able to work with graphics the same since (which sucks cause before taking the meds I loved doing graphics, afterwards it was difficult to get focused on it). Towards the end of being with psych it was more of a burden to go, with me getting more stressed out having to see her and think of stuff to talk. I eventually did my usual, "oh, I can't make this appointment, I'll call you to make another appointment when I feel like it" and never did call back. My history is soooo frickin weird and confusing the thought of trying to explain it all to someone is pretty stressful, lol. I've been tempted to try and write a novella about my history and all things weird for them to read over before actually starting new with someone else. Or it could end up like one of my friends who actually had a psychiatrist refuse to treat him, lol!

[The French Biscuit]

Sorry to hear that. The novella sounds like a good idea. If the psychiatrist doesn't work out, you could always try publishing it. ;)

How're things at your job?

[jedispyder]

Haha, it's not really that much of a problem. My problems are mostly genetic so I'm used to it by now, just the usual burst up at night and such. It's possible writing a novella will help me deal with some of my problems? Not sure, lol. I've had this idea in my head for quite some time about writing a story about my ex-roommate to maybe help me get over that.

And my job...is the same, lol. We're in a slight slump right now so it's pretty boring just "babysitting" ;)

[ChimeraCreative]

I'd love to have a job. I'd love to of had a shrink. Your life's looking pretty good to me right now, Almonds. ^_^

[jedispyder]

According to the date, I'm now 26. Yay? I had such high hopes for 25 due to music (Jimmy Eat World's lyric of "even at 25 you gotta start sometime") and while a lot did happen, not everything I wanted to. The good was obviously moving out and graduating finally. The not-so-great was having a "coffee date" and it going horrible for me. I had hopes (as each year, lol) that I would be granted my first kiss. No such luck, just teasing from songs (3OH!3's My First Kiss) and the usual "I've watched so much porn I dream that every day events will turn into a porno" type stuff. But, alas, I didn't take a shot at all and if I don't try I won't succeed. I know that, and I know it's something I need to work on. That's why this time around I'm actually NOT expecting anything to happen, basically I'm conceding ;)

Here's to you, 26, may you treat me well.

[wolf_2099]

Why did the date go so badly?

[jedispyder]

Well, I got bored within 30 minutes and it didn't end for another 2 hours or so. Talking to her was like pulling teeth. Plus I felt we didn't really have a lot of things in common, and a couple of things really put me off. I don't really care for looks but personality is really big thing...

[wolf_2099]

What bored you about her?

Did she just have no interesting things about her?

[jedispyder]

Truthfully I don't even remember anymore, I try not to think about. I know there were some warning signs for me. We didn't like the same music, she'd never even heard of some of my favorite bands. While she liked to read she never finished any books. That's really all I can remember besides her only eating non-gluten things (which considering I'm a baker pretty much sucks). It wasn't a pleasant experience for me lol.

[ChimeraCreative]

Is the former roommate you're somewhat obsessed with a cake eating, headbanging, maniac reader? ^_^

I'm not trying to be rude, heh, I'm just curious if you know what qualities you're looking for in a ladyfriend.

[jedispyder]

I don't even know what I want, obviously I want something similar to me but different in some aspects.

You can ask Jack about my former roommate, he hated her with a passion. She drank like a fish (that's actually one of the main reasons I ran away). She was a pathological liar when she was drunk, which was almost all the time. She was extremely promiscuous (she once slept with 3 different guys in a one week period, with 2 of those 3 being one-night stands). She used to tease me endlessly about the fact I had never been kissed (and she also liked to tell other people about it) [I never understood why she was obsessed with making fun of me over that when she never tried to hook me with any of her friends or anything like that]. She didn't keep friends for very long (I was friends with her for about 8 months and many of her friends came and went, never to return). She would walk around in her bra yet if when I once complimented her on a dress she was wearing she said I made her uncomfortable, wtf? On that topic as well, she decided on her own that we both agreed we were just friends with no sexual tension, yet she continued telling me all about the sex she was getting/giving. I hated that she'd take stuff from my room (my candle lighter always disappeared, when I gave my resignation for some reason my PS2 was switched with hers). Yet with all that shit she did to me, she made me happy most of the time. She forced herself onto me (not in that way, pervs) and made me do things I wasn't used to (again, not in that way). I felt like those 8 months with her were the most exciting I've had in a decade or so. I've had fun experiences, but she actually made me feel like I was alive and wanted. Basically she forced me out of my shell, which I've since doubled up on.

[jedispyder]

Went to the doc today for my pinched nerve. Whenever medical/family history time comes it's fucking hilarious. Family is worse due to how screwed we are genetically, luckily mom and both local brothers go to the same doc as well so I basically said "just check their files." Of course since we all have different last names (both brothers from my mom's husband before my dad, then mom got remarried after divorcing my dad) they get confused and wonder if she's a foster mom (they actually asked "and she's not your genetic mother, right" bout laughed my ass off when they said that). So the doc confirmed it's likely a pinched nerve and recommended physical therapy to strengthen my core muscles. Had hoped to get blood work done so I had fasted for 13 hours (damn you, late appointments) but he was too busy. Oh well, guess I'll have to make another appointment for that.

[jedispyder]

I'm in a much better mood today, yay! Deleted my last depressive post from yesterday, love doing that.

Today Cap'n Jack and I put together out ECOmposter. It literally took the 2 hours it said it would, did not expect that. Threw some old nasty food stuff in it, so we're officially composting, whoot! Maybe it's true what people say, getting a healthy dose of the sun lightens the mood? This is the most I've been out in the sun all summer so it's possible.

My dad had surgery to remove some creepy shit on his throat, and there was a tumor/cancer scare but the oncologist gave him the a-ok after sticking tubes down/up his throat and butt. So that's good, got really worried about it (plus when I couldn't contact him or my brother yesterday got even more worried).

I'm finally having a cookout at my place on Labor Day to have people check it out. So far Dan has had a lot of friends and I've had 1...who only saw the house before we renovated and moved in, lol. So far only 2 have "signed up" but I'm hoping to get some others to do it. Either way I'm sure it'll be a blast.

[jedispyder]

So I did something COMPLETELY unlike anything I've ever done and hosted a house party/cookout tonight. My anxiety was really screwing with me the past couple of days leading up to, mainly due to no one really confirming (as stated in my last post). Ended up having 12 people (9 adults and 3 kids):
-a co-worker and her husband [they brought me a house warming gift of wine, and she said she knows I don't drink so it's more for others; tempted to try it out, red wine is supposed to be good for you, on to research it!)
-4 of my Star Wars Minis/RPG friends (2 of which showed up midway through when the next group was getting ready to leave)
-a girl I went to elementary school with but haven't seen in 7 years since graduation, her husband, her 2 children, her friend (who was a grade below me in high school evidently) and her child

My friend from school always posts on Facebook about doing cookouts and stuff with her friends so I was glad she was able to come out. It was kind of funny, she almost didn't go because she didn't want to go alone and that's when she convinced her friend to go. The funny thing is her friend is someone I've always wanted to add on Facebook because I see her commenting all the time but since I didn't know her I didn't feel comfortable doing it. It was nice catching up and semi-reminiscing with my friend, hope to be able to do stuff with her another time (and hopefully with our other friends she's close with that I talk on Facebook and also haven't seen in 7 years that were tempted to come tonight but couldn't).

The big thing that made me happy tonight is that I didn't drift into any anti-social behaviour, yay! I went to one of my friend's b-day party the other night at Dave & Busters but completely fell into a slight depression and anti-social behaviour where I just felt I had to get out and didn't want to talk to anyone, led me to leave early and blame it on my 5 hours of sleep in 36 hours (which was partially true, I did end up sleeping something like 10 hours after that). So for me not freaking out tonight, especially with 3 different groups of friends who don't know each other, I think it turned out quite well. No problems with me grilling, they all (claimed) to love the desserts. Got to experiment with several (a vanilla cheesecake with cinnamon roll crust and apple pie topping with icing laced across) and then I tried to do Bananas Fosters but it failed cause I didn't follow the recipe besides the ingredients so it turned to mush yet was still yummy. I had friends over from 6:30 until 1:30, definitely a crazy night for me!

[XIII]

Your desserts sound delicious. Glad to hear the party went well.

[jedispyder]

If you ever come over to the States and to my state you'll be able to partake in them ^_^ The current recipe I'm gonna try is Pumpkin & Kahlua Marbled Cheesecake, which sounds weird but everyone tells me it sounds great.

[ChimeraCreative]

Yeah, pumpkin and Kahlua sounds a little messed up to put together. O.o Back in the day I made pumpkin cheesecakes with a gingerbread crust that drew mixed reactions. I wholeheartedly support a gingerbread crust, just with a different filling.

[jedispyder]

The gingerbread might have overpowered the pumpkin. Generally pumpkin isn't too strong, but gingerbread is usually very strong. So maybe next time cut back on the spices in the gingerbread. Or use something like apple strudel. Might be something for me to test and see how it turns out. Did you use actual bread-gingerbread, or gingerbread cookies?

[jedispyder]

My grandpa passed away today. He's been ready for quite some time now, likely since his wife passed away last year. He basically just lost the will to live, even trying to get put into hospice before he was ready. Literally, the refused to take him in! But we knew it was coming, and my David (my stepdad, his son) had finally accepted it. Family had been coming in from out of town for awhile to visit. I really hate myself right now for not going to visit him, I wish I had.

On the funny side of things, my mom and stepdad are out of town on vacation and when they got the news they sent out text messages to let people know. Mom accidentally entered my number wrong and got a response of, "who are you? who has died?" She was so embarrassed, she couldn't believe she did that.

I commemorated grandpas memory by going to Skyline and getting some chili, one of his favorite foods.

[Tragic Angelus]

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandfather, and I hope you and your family can get through this together. I know it's never easy, but I hope you and your family are holding through right now.

[The French Biscuit]

Sorry for your loss, how are you and your family doing?

[jedispyder]

Thanks for your condolences.

And truthfully I have no clue how the family is taking it. Mom and stepdad (it was his foster father) are currently on vacation and due back tomorrow night. I haven't actually talked with them yet, just through texts. We all grieve weird, especially since our family is so screwed up connection wise. I still considered him my grandpa even though there is no blood relation. I knew him my whole life (or at least I think so, I do remember my grandma, his wife, from what I was little and I'm sure he was in the picture as well). To me blood means nothing, it's all about the emotional tether (think Batman's connection to Blackest Night).

I've been at work but I'm still a little shaken up about it. I knew it was coming, but for it to actually happen just sucks. I haven't had a cry yet which I know I'll need to. A couple interviewers noted I was looking kinda sickish, I only told 1 the reason why (I'm not one to broadcast stuff like this all too much, it felt weird enough putting it up on Facebook). I don't think I'm trying to process it, but I have had a lot of random memories of him pop up. Such as me trying to sell his stamps on eBay and the cost of putting them up for auction was almost as much as what was made selling them, but to make him feel happy I didn't tell him about how much the cost was and only how much he made. There was a family dinner last year I went to that I found out was for his birthday AFTER I had arrived (thanks, mom, for just saying "oh, we're just getting together for a usual dinner meet) and him being so happy to see me there. I wish I had spent more time with him, but I'm just not always comfortable around older people for some reason and it pains me.

[jedispyder]

I'm actually doing something for Halloween this year, yay! I carved a pumpkin for the first time in about 10-15 years and had a blast doing it. I'm going to go to evil Wal-Mart to get a costume since I know they have some that fit fat people (saw a cool Shadow Zombie type thing that I may grab, worst case scenario go as a vampire or something). I'm going to pass out candy, just not sure which type yet.

In a perfect world, I would have an elaborate setup with 6 bowls of candy with numbers for each and as the numbers increase the quality increases. I'd then have the kids roll a die to see what bowl they can get candy out of. Sadly that's probably too complicated/too much work for most people. And I fear some kid will steal the die, bastards. But that would be cool to pull off, then again it is the gamer in me wanting to do that, leaving it to chance as to what you'd get.

I checked with Dan/Cap'n Jack and he'll be closing at work and then dropping by a friend's house afterwards so he won't be home for the fun.

My pumpkin:
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs005.ash2/33594_790687169625_21400253_42233804_381909_n.jpg
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs005.ash2/33594_790687179605_21400253_42233806_1591309_n.jpg

[XIII]

Great!!!

[The French Biscuit]

Awesome!

[Mr Wallstreet]

Well done

[jedispyder]

Thanks!

Captain, Dan/Cap'n Jack's kitten, frickin ate/ripped off 2 pieces of the pumpkin. So it's missing an eye and the the big "y" shape in the mouth. What a little fucker, lol! He said he found a couple bits of pumpkin in the kitchen from where Captain ran inside with it.

[jedispyder]

So dad had his surgeries this week to remove the sarcoma/cancerous mass thingy on his arm. No problems with that, and then he had his grafting done today (took a strip of skin from his leg to put on the arm). I had planned to go to HorrorHound Convention but my dad needed me to pick him up instead and then we had to run some errands. I felt bad leaving him so I decided not to go to the convention today, which is the whole reason I took off work. Oh well. I was a tad annoyed he didn't appreciate me skipping the convention I've been eager to go to so I could stay with him. Both mom and my stepdad were surprised I did that, thinking I should have gone to the convention instead (I kinda think I should have as well, but oh well). I may go Sunday, or I might just skip it this year again. Typical me.

[Depressive post, you have been warned]

Ok, so my anxieties are really fucking with me right now. I'm full of self-doubt, self-loathing, etc. A friend I haven't seen since HS invited me to her birthday party next week (with 3 other friends also begging me to go, 2 of which I haven't seen since HS). I'm really freaking out over it. I just...I just don't feel normal enough to go. My anxiety is raging it's head at me due to how fucking fat I am and how I can't control it even though I try. My self-doubt is making me think I'm not good enough to spend time with them, and that I should just keep it to Facebook instead. I literally feel on the edge of tears because of this and it's ridiculous for me to do that.

I know I shouldn't think these ways. I know I'm going to have a good time, I really do know it. But I seriously can't cope for some reason. I'm feeling more lonely than ever, and deep down the only thing I want to do is to meet my ex-roommate again and have things work out between us. It pisses me off that I think things like that, I'm too good for that! What the fuck is wrong with me?

[jedispyder]

So I finally did something I've been wanting to do for 4.5 years now, lol. While it wasn't EXACTLY what I wanted, it was close enough to work. Thanks to this Facebook Q&A session, I was able to ask Whitney's sister why she thought I moved out of the house. Her answer was quite hilarious, she thought it was because I was attracted to her sister and it got awkward, which obviously is nothing like what happened. That makes sense because earlier she had asked me why I was attracted to her sister (and obviously everyone that paid attention saw how I handled that).

After she stated why she thought I left, I wrote this huge message to her detailing the breakdown and everything that happened. It was funny, she responded with "yep, that fits her to a t" so at least someone in the family thought I had a legit reason to leave.

It feels good to get that off my chest, as I said I've been holding that in for 4 years, lol. While it's not exactly telling the person I wanted to tell, I've at least got that info to someone who can make use of it...

[jedispyder]

I did go to the birthday party of my friend as I mentioned earlier, and yes I was scared as hell when getting ready. When I got there? Everything washed away as I was quickly welcomed in. I made 2 cheesecakes (Dark Chocolate Baileys, Black Forest) so that helped my worry a little bit. When I got there only 1 person I knew was there, the birthday girl, and I hadn't seen her in 7 years since HS ended yet we've talked on Facebook (obviously, how else would I be invited, lol). Other friends slowly came to, with a total of 5 people I knew out of like 30-40 (I suck at guesstimating but it was probably that many). I knew one of my friends was getting separated and she brought her new boyfriend, we hit it off pretty well so that was good. Overall it was a hella fun night, I was there for 5 hours and one of the few who didn't drink. I love watching drunk people, especially when there is a huge fire pit and they start walking over it. Definitely glad I went, hopefully I'll do more things with them (they definitely want to do more things with me, which made me feel very happy).

[Tragic Angelus]

Glad you went and had a good time man. And I hope you'll get to hang out with them all more often!

[jedispyder]

I really want to, and evidently they want to as well. Supposedly they had been talking about including me in stuff for awhile but since I'm such a bastard I never got the hints or anything, lol. I know it'll do better for me to be around people and not seclude myself. I know my issues will partially go away with that, so hopefully I'll be able to. Especially since I'm realizing the whole "they like me for me" statement is actually true, even if I'm not comfortable with who I am at least they are.

[jedispyder]

Went to an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party with non-gaming friends and had an absolute blast! I made Peppermint Patty Cheesecake and homemade Eggnog (with bit of extra Bourbon and nutmeg). Man, what an awesome time that was. I was kinda shuttled between 2 different groups in the party due to 2 friends not liking each other right now, lol. I got to tally up the votes as to who had the worst sweater (people voted on male and female). The reason I got to tally the votes? Cause I was the only one sober! Hahaha, my friend said there was no way he'd be able to do math right now. Awesome ^_^

Towards the end of the night after half the group left they dove into my Eggnog, literally passing the bottle around. They drank half of the bottle in a minute! Holy shit they loved it! Guess the extra Bourbon definitely made it extra lovely. I've yet to try it, it's actually sitting next to the computer waiting for me to try.

People told stories from high school and of course one is going to haunt me for awhile. A girl I had a crush on evidently got drunk, put on lingiere at a party, and either passed out or was "resting" on the floor with one of her tits out. Damn, this is what I missed by not being invited (not that I'd go)? Shit, I really wish I could go and change that. Lot of other hilarious stories that I missed out on, love how drunk people are much more open than usual.

I think I'm finally feeling comfortable enough to start going out and doing stuff with these people. I hadn't seen them for 7+ years and luckily I cracked the cavern by having that housewarming party in August, since then I've been able to do things with them 3 times and they definitely want me to come out.

[Tragic Angelus]

Glad you had an awesome time man! And glad you're cooking was once again a success. Hopefully you all will continue to hang out and get back into the swing of things man.

[jedispyder]

Yep, I hope so too.

Today I bought my first X-Box 360 game. Now I don't actually own an X-Box 360, but since Dan has that hooked up to the main room's TV I decided it's time I get a game. I got Fables 2, always wanted to play the series so I'm excited. He has Fables 3 but I wanted to start fresh with a new game and all, lol. Maybe I'll even buy more later, who knows.

[jedispyder]

Dan has Fables 2, not Fables 3. At least my version has 2 extra stages, whoopee. Internet is dead at the house. Furnace died because we used 100 gallons of oil in a month. Gingerbread Tree cookies came out burnt cause I forgot Gingerbread doesn't change colors. My Christmas bonus is already spent before I even put it in the checking account.

But at least I have this case of Heroclix that are totally awesome and smell wonderful and I just want the world to slip away while I look at these.

Bring on the new year...

[jedispyder]

Went to the eye doctor for the first time in...6-7 years? Normal is 20-20...I'm 20-400. Yep, that's definitely fun. It's also fun to get my eyes dilated because WOW is that fun driving like that, lol. Can't wait to get new glasses, we picked out a new type that is rectangle instead of oval. Everyone said they were more "modern" (obviously hot girl that worked that definitely helped sway me).

[The French Biscuit]

Went to the eye doctor for the first time in...6-7 years? Normal is 20-20...I'm 20-400. Yep, that's definitely fun. It's also fun to get my eyes dilated because WOW is that fun driving like that, lol. Can't wait to get new glasses, we picked out a new type that is rectangle instead of oval. Everyone said they were more "modern" (obviously hot girl that worked that definitely helped sway me).

I've got to do that to sometime in the not-to-distant future (I've only been putting it off for a about a month now). I lost my glasses and haven't been able to find my spare pair either. Last eye exam was about the same time as yours, a good 6-7 maybe even 8 years ago.

Kudos on the new specs, I bet they're cool. :)

[jedispyder]

Whenever I get them (hopefully they'll call on Monday) I'll post a picture. I'll at least update my Facebook icon to that...

Good luck with the exam, hopefully they don't dilate you cause that is just so super-deduper fun ;)

[wolf_2099]

I hare eye exams. Especially when they use that machine that blows into your eyes. My eyes are super sensitive too, so I can never do it properly.

[jedispyder]

They had to do the eye puff thing a couple times cause I kept blinking, not fun at all. The dilation was worse because of how bright it was outside, even waiting an hour to go out I was still blinded by the light =o/

[jedispyder]

[Usual depressed post, you can skip if you want to]

I'm in one of my usual funks. I really don't have the willpower or desire to do anything at all. If not for work, I can see myself not leaving the house. Fuck, hate when I get like this.

Also had a convo with Shlomo and he wanted me to tell him the last time I did something unexpected. I really can't think of anything. I guess going to the 2 parties could be counted as unexpected since it took me completely out of my element, but then again I went because I guilted myself into it. Plus I promised cheesecake, and I never renege on cheesecake offers. In my eyes, the last true time I did something unexpected was 5.5 years ago with Whitney. I guess that's why it was both the best and worst time of life for me. I loved every minute but she treated me like shit. Why oh why do I miss it so much? Fuck, I'm pathetic.

[jedispyder]

So today is Fat Tuesday. A day that, religiously, means nothing at all today. As a baker, it means huge celebrations! Ate a blueberry paczki and I'm about to make some King Cakes. First up is King Cake Cupcakes that I'm having Dan bring into his work to share. Then for my work I'm bringing in a regular King Cake. Sadly I don't have the plastic baby so I'll likely substitute something else. Originally it's a bean or a nut, so I may go with a pecan or something.

I really would love to go to New Orleans at some point to celebrate Mardi Gras. Ironically enough, I don't want to go to see boobs (me, not caring about boobs? seriously?!?). I love reading about what Mardi Gras means as a culture, a very interesting subject. Maybe next year I'll go, but I have been saying that for about 3 years now ;)

[wolf_2099]

That sounds delicious.

[jedispyder]

Just had my yearly review at work. Think my boss knew I basically rearranged last year self-assessment and resubmitted it but she didn't seem to care. Overall the review went well, nothing bad besides the bad already mentioned in my self-assessment. Got a nice raise, 4.7% which is good considering last year sucked for my branch. Plus I know my boss told my incompetent co-worker to do something each night that she didn't tell me to do, so that's nice. She knows I'm great with computers and strongly hinted she knew my co-worker wasn't and needed help. Guess that's why my co-worker has extra stuff to do and I don't ^_^

[Tragic Angelus]

Well congrats on the review it seems! And congrats on the raise as well. Glad to hear your job is safe as well. Keep up the good work and staying on the your boss's good side.

[jedispyder]

Shitfuck, just had a bit of epiphany. I've stated here a couple of times that recently I've been having trouble remembering to read comics. I know partially the reason is because I have no real comfortable place to read them in my room. That leads me to want to download them to read them so it's more relaxing, instead of the current method of sitting up in my bed with 2-3 pillows on my lap and me crouched over a book reading it. The thing that was mystifying me was that a lot of these comics I really enjoyed reading but just couldn't actually read them. I have so many still sitting in piles to read it, it was annoying that I just didn't go ahead and read them. I think I realized the reason for that: depression. Depression makes you less interested in stuff you used to be interested in, and slowly my depression has been increasing the past few months. It makes so much sense now that even though I love certain titles I can't stay current. If I don't read them that night at my mom's after Family Night and before I go home, it's like pulling teeth to get me motivated/to remember to read, and it's the whole "loss of interest in joys" part of depression. Damn, that sucks.

[jedispyder]

Wanting to take up something fun, I decided to try my hand at building models again. [I almost said "for the summer" but realized now that I'm an adult not in school the only thing summer means is I'll be hot as fuck and miserable so it doesn't exact fit in with my statement, lol]

One of my friends sent me a coupon for Hobby Lobby, a store that has all kinds of things related to hobbies and other non-hobby but cool looking stuff (aka wall hangings, mirrors, lawn decorations, etc). I finally went today and looked through all the model kits they had. I was interested in 3 items and only found 1 still in the wrapping, a VW Van from the 60s. I had wanted to get an SR-71 Blackbird but couldn't find it, and the awesome pirate ship that they suggest you paint with glow-in-the-dark paint was sitting there open. So the van it was. Also nabbed some model-making supplies (lots of paint, hobby knife, glue, etc). I'm eager to get it started after I get off work tonight. I haven't worked with models for many years, instead sticking with Legos. I do remember my love for models when I was younger, no clue why I stopped but probably because I was impatient and they weren't cheap or always readily available. Anyone else enjoy doing model kits?

[jedispyder]

On Thursday night, I took part in another Paranormal Investigation (first being the closed West Virginia State Penitentiary 2 years ago where I stayed from 8pm to 6am).

This one was Poasttown Elementary School in Middletown, Ohio. It closed in early-to-mid 2000s and was bought by this really cool guy. Not sure how much he paid for it but it had to be a lot (he said he tried using the boiler room for heat for something like 77 days and it cost him $33,000 so he stopped quickly after). He rents a small section of the place to people who down on their luck (the whole town is basically run by AK Steel and supposedly highly into meth).

There were several tragic deaths in the location. One girl fell through the small open section of stairs down 3 floors. A janitor died in his trailer nearby. There was a train crash right next to the school so the school used it was a makeshift hospital and something like 30 people died in the building. I think a girl choked on lunch or had a reaction or something and died in the building.

Besides me, it was my brother and his wife's boss (Ismael) along with 2 professional Paranormal Investigators. They first gave us a tour of the place and when dusk fell we started to the investigation. Ismael is REALLY into doing this and spent a lot of money on high tech equipment (EMF, Spirit Box [basically a transistor radio that cycles through different stations, getting static most of the time but occasionally a word will be clear and that's supposedly the spirit contacting us], an Ovilus [a box that uses certain attributes to "speak" words at us that are supposedly the spirit contacting us; lot of people don't believe in them and the device itself says it's "just for fun" but it is taken serious by many], a pinlight that shoots out green light and can be spread out so that it covers a humongous section in tiny green dots that you hope a spirit goes through which would block the dots, and a digital voice recorder just in case there were any voices not caught on the ovilus or spirit box).

Basically what we did was just sit in a darkened room, had the devices going, and asked questions. Sometimes we'd luck out, sometimes we wouldn't. The ovilus was creepy as hell because it picked out words that were just too coincidental, such as someone in our group being a redhead and it saying Redhead in several different locations. We also heard "get out" twice, which of course put me on nerves cause if it really is a spirit talking to me, then I'm not risking it and getting out of the room! Everyone took many pictures but as far as I know nothing appeared on them. The guides were very helpful and it was a blast doing it. We were there from 8pm to 2am or so, going through several rooms and getting hits in some but not all.

[jedispyder]

My 4th started off kinda boring but ending up awesome. Did nothing for the first 9 hours of the day or so, just lounging around/reading/played Zelda Twilight Princess/etc. After getting so bored I took a random drive to Target (picked up a Star Wars Lego set that was on sale), I got home and spent time with Dan. He and I rarely get to hang out so it was fun for once. We played a bit of Mario Kart on SNES before finally going for a walk to see if we could see any fireworks in the area. No luck but he decided he wanted to check out the village bar. We head back home to change and walk back to the Back Door Saloon (strange name, huh?). It was pretty empty at first, only about 4 other people or so. I start off on water only but after being there for an hour or so Dan randomly orders me a Long Island Iced Tea, he knew I was too kind to refuse/waste it. So...yeah...that one drink fucked me up a bit, lol! It had been almost 2 years since I last drank (with Dan on my 24th birthday). This drink tasted pretty bad (last LIIT was smooth and tasty, this one so not). I kind of drank it fast, gulping it and sipping through the straw. Next thing I know the world is all swirly ^_^ Dan found it quite amusing at how tipsy/drunk I got off just 1 LIIT when he had 3 beers with no problem at all. It was very an interesting experience, something I at times wish I did more. Afterwards we walked around the village some more, passing what may be my ex-roommate's current house before going home. We just sat in the front yard talking for a bit, reminiscing the past. We end up downloading random games on X-Box 360 (such as How To Talk To Women and Don't Be Shy Around Women along with real games) and tried several before quitting and heading to bed.

Definitely a fun night, nights like this that make me happy I moved in with Dan.

Any other Americans else have a good 4th?

[jedispyder]

Got back from my vacation last night, I went to Indianapolis for Gen Con from Wednesday to Sunday. Had a mixture of a shitty and awesome time. None of my roommates went for what I was doing so we were almost always split up. Both of my hotel keys got wiped somehow so I was locked out of the room most of the time until one of them wanted to come back. I judged 3 Star Wars Minis tournaments that were successful to me but to the group I was judging for it sucked because of lack of interest (6 showed up for the first one, 2 for the second, and 4 for the third).

Did some hilariously funny but somewhat awkward at the beginning and went to something called the Hentai Cafe for a Hentai Dubbing. I was bored and 1 roommate planned to go to bed early and the other 2 roommates were off gaming. Basically this was hentai with no sound/dialogue at all and volunteers would come up to voice the different scenes. A lot of awesome stuff but a few stinkers. One that got the most laughs was someone said "Matt Damon" when the guy came.

And, as always, I fell in lust while there. My friends went up to volunteer for a company called Wyrd Miniatures for their game Malifaux. The first night we were there, we went to their private party so they could socialize and meet people they talked to on the forums but never in real life. Towards the end of the event a girl came in, early twenties, but very cute. She had pale skin but dyed-red hair (didn't pay attention to any other...shall we say, assets). Basically lust at first sight, lol. I turned into stalker mode, glancing at her from time to time but not introducing myself since I was just a guest and thus not important to the group. When I went to the booth to see my friends volunteering, I made sure to catch glances at her. I felt really wrong doing it, makes me uncomfortable to be in my own skin to creep like that. On the final day, after the convention was over, my friends helped to tear down the booth and they were able to sneak me in to help. Obviously I kept getting distracted by her, especially when she put her hair down to straighten it out (and remember, being in a hotel room with 5 days meant I had no "me" time and uber horny, lol). I actually did make a few comments to her, such as "nice catch" and "you ok?" but that's it. My usual insecure and scared self got the best of me. The main guy for the company treated all of us to dinner and I was so out of my area there, with everyone else talking about the game and thus be in the corner of the table doing nothing. I kept sneaking glances at her but tried not to, made me feel really uncomfortable. I wish some day I'll be able to actually strike up a conversation with a girl I'm crushing on...

[jedispyder]

One thing that has annoyed me a bit is how my friends must think of me. Evidently, I "handled [a situation with a girl] very well" which leads me to wonder how they thought I would handle it?

What happened was 3 of us went to a sushi bar. It was my first at a sushi bar so I was quite excited, with 1 other guy splitting 4 orders between us. Towards the end, a girl that was cosplaying as a butterfly (aka she was dressed in a butterfly costume, no clue why but it wasn't exactly flattering) sat next to us. She started randomly talking so I obviously responded and such. The other guy I was with talked to her a bit as well.

After we left, he said I "handled it very well". What the fuck does that mean?!? Was I supposed to be a bumbling idiot a la Mr. Bean? Do they seriously think that's how I act around girls? The other 2 guys I was with brought it up as well, so it really annoyed me. If a girl isn't dropdead cute, then I'll treat her like a regular person and have no problem talking to her. Did they think I was attracted to this random girl? Cause there was no way in hell, in fact I made sure to avoid her when I saw her again. Nothing against her, she was just a bit too weird for my tastes.

If anything, I should be reprimanded for poorly handling the situation with the girl I was crushing on. Barely speaking to her but constantly stealing glances at her because she was so damn cute to me. Ugh, just when I thought people understood me...

[Mr Wallstreet]

I think when your friends said you "handled the situation with the girl very well" they didn't mean that you'd come off acting like a bumbling idiot but; that you wouldn't have responded to her at all. You would have just sat there very quietly either nodding or shaking your head to her questions.

If a girl isn't dropdead cute, then I'll treat her like a regular person and have no problem talking to her.

Perhaps you need to get over this as well.

It was great that you had fun, which is what matters. Do you think you'l be returning next year?

[jedispyder]

I guess I misspoke in the last part. I didn't mean that I'd treat her wrong because she's not dropdead cute, not at all. It's the dropdead cute girls that I have trouble talking to, lol. It's she's "normal" then I won't have trouble talking to her. I turn into a bumbling idiot around some dropdead cute girls, that's for sure lol.

And I'm honestly not sure if I'll return next year. There's a possibility the game I'm going for may not be played cause this year was much worse than previous years (their estimates on the amount coming was too high so in the end it's possible we lost more money than we made). And plus, having the rest of my hotelmates not doing what I'm doing put a bit of a damper on the weekend. I had fun but I also had pretty depressing moments. The guy who asked me to judge did say I was at the top of the list to come back next year to judge again if there is a next year, so it's likely I will but as stated before there is a chance I won't. It's a year away so we'll see...

[jedispyder]

So I'm now 27. Wowza! Luckily I'm not a famous musician or my time would soon be up ;)

I also decided to do something EXTREMELY different for me: I joined the Geek 2 Geek dating website. It...sounds weird saying it. It's a popular place, I know that. I have a friend who actually found a fiance there. I know dating sites in general are popular, several friends of my brother have lucked out there. I've been told to go there from Dan/Cap'n Jack for years but have avoided it. My brother and I were talking and he said he thought I should try it, to finally go and try to get out of this funk I've been in for several years.

I think one thing that set me off was I was listening to the new Adele cd that I got mom for her birthday. We were listening to Lovesong, and she asked if this song reminded me of my ex-roommate (since I obviously had a thing for her). And I realized it actually didn't, it didn't remind me of anything. So I guess it was time to finally take the step in trying to find someone.

It's going to be difficult for me. I've never actually tried to get a girlfriend before. I did that one horrible blind date my mom set me up on. Now I can actually take a step forward and hopefully keep it forward, instead of the usual "one step forward, two steps back".

[wolf_2099]

Happy Birthday!

Good luck with it, I know several friends who have had luck with online dating.

[jedispyder]

Just saw blink-182 for the fourth time. Still fucking great as always. Heard 4 songs off the new album, cannot wait for it to come out. Glad they did both The Blow Job Song and Shit Piss Cunt etc because those are always awesome when done in concert!

[wolf_2099]

Seeing them Sunday, I saw them last year as well and they were awesome.

This may be my 4th time as well, 3rd at least.

[jedispyder]

Hopefully you'll love it, it was quite awesome. And it was definitely my 4th time seeing them over a total of 11 years.

[jedispyder]

I really hate my brain sometimes. The past couple of nights I've had a section of dreams that involve my ex-roommate. It's been 5 years since I ran away from her yet in my dreams we meet up like nothing happened, all is forgiven, the world is finally right. In fact, in last night's dream we discussed just up and going on vacation with each other. Now, as always, there isn't any sexual tension because in my dreams we're still BFFs, lol. Man, it really fucking sucks to have dreams like this because that's my one desire in regular life that I know I can never get...

[Mr Wallstreet]

You should start drinking prune juice before you go to sleep.

[jedispyder]

So one of Shlomo's friends gave him a recipe for homemade Ecto Cooler. I grew up on that shit so I automatically jumped at trying it. Sadly I couldn't get all the ingredients (no Tangerine Kool Aid mix so I had to use double Orange Kool Aid mix). I assembled it tonight and it definitely tastes good...just not sure how accurate it really is considering it's been 15 years since I actually had Ecto Cooler, lol.

On a random note, my niece still rules the world. She says jump, majority of the family asks "how high?" Whenever I end a session with her, I can't wait for the next one. She's a year and a half and to me, smart as hell. She got a shot today and after her nap was a bit stiff, so she said "hurt" and "bandaid" yet after we asked if she wanted the bandaid off she said "no" and kept trying to stretch it like we told her to do. Very smart and oh so adorable...

[jedispyder]

Here's a breakdown of how absolutely shitty my day was yesterday:
-had to go in to work at 3am to check computers that were down the day before; because they were up, I had to do an hour or so of work on them
-woke up feeling like crap with a really sore and dry throat; afraid I may be getting sick what my mom/brother/niece had
-even though the bathroom door was shut, Dan almost walked in on me taking a crap but I luckily let him know I was inside before the door opened more than a crack
-worked on making a Pumpkin Kahula Swirl Cheesecake, I read the wrong line and used 3/4 cup butter instead of 1/4 cup butter for the crust
-while blind baking the crust, it went 1 minute too long in the crappy oven and was quasi burnt
-while spooning pumpkin out of the can, I cut my finger on the lid and had trouble getting it to stop baking
-ran out of time and couldn't get a pumpkin and any extra decorations that I wanted
-found out the plug I thought we had in the garage to set up a tv+ps2 to watch stuff while handing out candy is nonexistent and only located in the breezeway, yet we don't have an extension cord so my plans were null
-I couldn't figure out how to get into my costume from last year, there were too many holds and not enough appendages
-my porch light decided to break and by break I mean become detached from itself so the metal was still in the outlet; no potatoes or anything similar so I didn't have a working porch light to fully let kids know I was handing out candy
-my mom came over randomly and parked in the driveway, which I didn't want her to do but she insisted it would be fine
-with my mom over, my plans to watch something on the main tv were cancelled since I had to chat with her as I passed out candy (still glad she came over, she just screwed up my plans)
-also because she came over I ran out of time and wasn't able to bake a brownie that I wanted to make
-had several kids skip the house even though my door was open and I was hanging out by the front door
-tried to use glow sticks in lieu of the porch light but they never really got bright enough to make a difference
-tried to throw glow sticks in the yard to make it look spiffy but yet the unraked leaves hid them
-once I threw the glow sticks on the driveway after my mom left, the kids started asking for them or just taking them so they ran out fast
-due to the nonexistent light, I wasn't able to accurately see a lot of the costumes so it felt like I was handing out candy to greedy kids instead of to cool costumed kids
-I had to end handing out candy just a bit early because I had a whopping 5 pieces left out of the original near 200
-warmed up some leftovers, cooking them longer than usual but they STILL were quasi cold
-my body was pretty sore from walking around all day so I tried to take a nap; Dan coming home and automatically watching some tv blasted noise into my room upstairs so it woke me up before I wanted to
-my cheesecake didn't settle correctly so it's now all a big mush that you eat from a bowl instead of from a plate

Not really much went well for the day. Highlight was settling down and watching the horror comedic movie Lo at around 3am today.

[jedispyder]

I wonder which is worse: my dad wanting to see a movie only because it has nudity in it (but of course not saying that's the reason) or the fact that I know it has nudity and I've already seen the nude scenes online? I think me getting into his porn stash when I was 10 or 11 really fucked me up more than I fully comprehend...

[jedispyder]

Recently, for the past couple months, the main thing that has excited me about going to work (besides keeping my job) is getting to see Hot Girl. Yet, at the same time, I'm forcing myself to not talk to her as much because supervisor's can't get too buddy-buddy with the interviewers (and if we dated one? damn, the world would likely end). But all I truly want to do, whenever she's here, is sit next to her and talk with her. Anytime we get to talk, it brings a smile to my face. So it hurts to not be able to talk to her as much as I want, but I know if I do it may be too common knowledge that I have a major crush on her. Fuck, it really sucks.

[jedispyder]

After being a member for 3 months, I finally decided to "wink" at a girl on Geek2Geek. We had a lot of similarities and she lived something like 2 miles away from me. There were a couple of qualities I didn't like (such as that she occasionally smoked, which I am against obviously). I was still pretty freaked out over the whole thing but felt I needed to force myself forward, to finally do something. So I waited to see if she'd reply.

And waited. And waited. 10 days have passed and she's logged in a couple times since then. So, in other words, very slim chances of her "winking" back at me.

Le sigh.

At least I tried. I'm still feeling uncomfortable with this whole thing. Every thing in my body is screaming at me to just delete my account, saying this is not how I want to get a first date. I want it to be real, not quasi manufactured from a website where people tell lies about themselves to attract other people. Everyone else wants me to keep using the site, but I just don't think I want to.

It also doesn't help that 90% of the people on the site are people I could never imagine myself being with. Either they're too geeky (hardcore gamers, cosplayers, etc) or they're just butt-fugly (pot calling the kettle black, I know). I feel bad for saying it. I know this thinking is going against what the site is for. I just can't imagine me with most of them, and if I can't imagine then I lose all interest. It happened to me back in high school (and a couple years) with a girl that was interested in me but I friendzoned, I just couldn't see myself with them.

[Mr Wallstreet]

Proud and happy as hell you took the first step as a member of that website and winked at another girl. Rejection is a natural part of dating so don't let it discourage you regardless of whether you delete your profile or not.

Regarding profiles on dating sites being "manufactured" as opposed to the "real thing", at lounges and bars and even if you're being set up on a blind date, people have a tendency to embellish things about themselves. People typically want to make a great first impression, hence the few white lies. The internets is not all that different from real life really.

R

[jedispyder]

I know all about the whole blind date type thing (went on a horrible one at the beginning of last year which led me to never trust my mom's judgement in that field again, lol) and I'd never try to pick up a girl at the bar.

I think, to me, the best type of thing I could get is the "Hollywood" pickup that is popular in indie movies. Where you randomly run into a girl out doing normal errands and you hit it off pretty well and things begin to grow after that. No worry about artificial masks at that point and stuff like that.

[wolf_2099]

You over think all this way too much.

All you need to do is "yes" when people ask you do stuff, or actively try and do things with your friends. The more you go out, the more likely you are to run into someone you will like, and they will like you.

If you ask them out the worst thing that could ever happen is they say "no". If they do? What's the big deal? You're no worse off than you were before, and what does it really matter if someone you don't know doesn't want to go on a date? Everything to gain from someone saying yes, and nothing to lose if they say no.

Everyone tries to put on a good impression when they meet new people, it's perfectly normal. You get past that as you get more comfortable with a person, it's part of growing a relationship.

[jedispyder]

Going to an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party tomorrow. Went last year and it was a blast seeing old friends.

[jedispyder]

Mmm...pomegranates! My coworker gave me one for XMas and I just now got around to eating it. Ate it in the breakroom (no way in hell am I staining my desk purple, lol) and it luckily synched up with Hot Girl's break time. Had a nice time chatting with her, something I miss doing and wish I could do it more...

[jedispyder]

Wowza! I found a couple shitty scans of comics that hadn't been put through Photoshop and I asked advice on how to handle it in DC++ and everyone snapped at me to leave them alone and not "fix" them. One guy even said if I were to fix a scan then he would kick me out of the hub. WTF? It's a shitty scan that can be fixed by being put through Photoshop for 10 minutes, but nope, they won't allow that. Bastards, wish I could find a new hub but this is the top tier one left...

[jedispyder]

Then I had some guy approach me about me possibly joining the ranks of the other editors. Which was pretty interesting, until suddenly he asked to send me a rar of scans through email. And his nickname was a generic one titled email04404 or something like that. Made me think he was a tad sketchy, lol. Instead of answering I just exited the program, I can always claim I lost internet connection. It just felt a bit, you know, creepy.

[jedispyder]

Further stories of depravity from the cleaning guy at work: He first wanted to show me a picture of his daughter, which I found odd but alright, go ahead. She's surprisingly hot (he's not a prince charming). Then he proceeded to the next picture and said, "you know who this is" yet I had no clue and was quite shocked at what he showed me. It was a set of several naked pictures of the girl he's currently "having fun with" in those "fun" situations. There were about 15 pictures in total in different positions. Great way to shock your system awake. Have to give him props, for such an old guy he sure did get a hottie. It's been 5 hours and I'm still a bit horny and disgusted at the same time...